Is it over now? (How did it end with my stupid men?)

The men who gave me my title, “The Patron Saint of Stupid (Men).” 

I have learned many a life lesson from the laughable lack of romance in my life. 

These are all men (except one) who have told me they loved me and let me down in one way or another.

So how did it end? 

Stupid Man #1: The daydream 

My first love is extremely innocent and really was more of a coping mechanism to deal with life. My celebrity crush, that turned obsession because I was a little neurodivergent girl trying to make sense of trauma. It ended when I was 17 and simply because I didn’t see my life going in that direction anymore. I grew up and grew out of my mythical man. 

Stupid Man #2: The one who got away 

My line for describing this relationship has been that, “you shouldn’t have to get over the boy you liked when you were 16 at 20, and then again at 22.” But I did. My “When Harry Met Sally” always out of sync and frustrated me to no end. 

It ended for me when he told me he was dating someone else but that was fizzling and would I be willing to wait for him and maybe in a few months we could try and date? 

Stupid Man #3: The boyfriend 

It was my first relationship and like most first relationships went on way longer than it should have. It was messy and broken. 

It ended because we weren’t a good match for each other, also we got in a fight over a female “friend” that he had who I felt like he was choosing over me. I came out of this relationship very broken and feeling used. 

Stupid Man #4: The “friend” 

When a man (really boy, I think he was only 22) tells you that he only wants to be friends and doesn’t see you that way, maybe believe him the first 4 times. I was absolutely obsessed with this guy. For months I hung on his every word and over-analyzed every interaction. Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like it was killing me to keep pretending I was okay being just friends with him. I ended it and we didn’t talk for 2 years. At the time there was no way you could have convinced me he wasn’t my soulmate. Now? I hardly every think about him other than to laugh at myself. 

Stupid Man #5: The loss of my life

I have never been loved or accepted by anyone more than this man. He was my best friend in every sense of the word and I sometimes think it was a mistake for us to date at all, because we didn’t stay friends post-breakup. 

The ending started on a cold December day when I looked at him and knew he didn’t want me around anymore. I had gone through breakups before, I knew what it felt like when it was over. I knew I loved him more than he did me. It took us a few months to completely separate. Ash Wednesday was on Valentines Day that year, which I always felt was very appropriate. 

It should have ended on my birthday. We were cuddled up in his car and he had written me a poem in French that he had illustrated for me. He recited it and then as I was cuddled into his side said, “I think we are going to be okay. But do you think we are going to be okay?” I said, “Yes, but it seems like maybe you aren’t convinced.” Cue existential crisis from him. 

A friend at the time told me to break up with him before he did me. Do it on my terms. But I just couldn’t. 

Stupid Man #6: Too good to be true

It died many slow and painful deaths. We were together for 5 years and many times lines were crossed that should have been final. But I ignored it and let it drag on. Eventually, a family member screamed in my face while he sat there and did nothing. My son (who was four) jumped between us to try and defend me, but he didn’t do anything. 

I left for the homeless shelter that day. While I wish that was the final end between us, it wasn’t until a year later when he violated a major boundary that I muted him and stopped trying to pursue a friendship with him. 

Stupid Man #7: The manager 

Unlike all the others this one was not romantic. But friendship, love, and community become almost more important than romance the older you get. So here was a man who constantly sang my praises, told me he loved me, told me I occupied a special place in his heart and then when he had the chance to protect me/ stand up for me, he didn’t. 

I knew the cold words he said were just repeated, I knew he needed to convince himself of them for his own survival in a toxic environment. 

But, “You are just too erratic and it continues to be a rollercoaster with you.” Is how this one ended. 

Luckily, the rest of my community came to my defense in a way that was extremely humbling and I am so grateful. After 28 years of the same ‘ouch’ repeating itself, I had finally had someone willing to protect me and stand up for me. Them being willing to do that was a turning point in my story and started me on the journey I am on today. 

Stupid Man #8: My prince charming

This one I am not ready to write about and may never be. But I think his mere existence after everything else I’ve been through is remarkable. 

I didn’t know I could have my heart broken after my divorce, but he’s the one that showed me it was still beating. His kiss brought me back to life, be that sleeping beauty or snow white I’m not sure. 

My take away? 

“Love” shows up in so many ways. Each person on this list has been one of or the most important people in my life, for better or for worse, for the time they occupied that space. The lessons I’ve learned dealing with my “stupid men” have given me the tools to face much worse hurts. Like my spouse getting sick and having to stop working when I was 7 months pregnant, death of family members, losing jobs, losing communities I held dear, being bullied by a national group with a several thousand person reach, having my car stolen, the list goes on and on. 

I do love my stupid men, and I am not blameless in any of the cases. But I am ready to move beyond being defined by my romantic attachments, or lack thereof. Which is why I am not calling myself “The Patron Saint of Stupid Men” anymore, but rather just things that are stupid.