Dealing with Avoidant Men

I’m gonna start this one with a twist. First, I am not gonna get into the science or research into attachment types. Rather I will say that there have been times I have been anxiously attached and also avoidantly attached. 

So, before I talk about the times I’ve seen it play out in my romantic relationships, I want to try and explain what it’s like. Because to an outsider avoidant behavior is confusing and hurtful. I had a friend say to me recently, “he just didn’t like you.” If only it was that simple. 

A few times in my life I’ve actually gotten the investment, follow through, and interest in me that I claim to want in my interpersonal relationships and it has, to put it softly, annoyed the shit out of me. 

It’s something I’ve been examining for over a decade. Why do I focus on the friends who are flaky, don’t check in, don’t make plans, and constantly make me question if they actually like me? Why do I continuously over communicate how it messes with me and how I wish they would act differently? 

Yet, with the friends who do check in, make plans, invite me places, and show clear interest- I’m not as invested. I ignore them. I get frustrated. I feel smothered. I still like these friends. I enjoy their company but there is this internal “ick” that gets triggered. 

Because it’s a defence mechanism. That’s why it doesn’t make sense to put it on paper. That’s why it doesn’t add up or follow logic. 

To be victim of an avoidant attachment (and really everyone involved is a victim) is to have something like your fight or flight response triggered. Something is getting too close. You feel vulnerable and exposed. It doesn’t feel good and so you run or you tell the other person to go away. 

At least in my experience it isn’t something the other person did “wrong.” It is that something deep has been triggered and I am going to run from the discomfort. If that happens enough times, I start to associate that person with the feeling of discomfort and I pull out of the friendship. 

One line I keep coming back to in the last few months is, “you can’t love someone into being healed.” That is so hard to experience from the outside. You want to be able to talk through it and maybe you can. But the person whose avoidant attachment is being triggered has to 1) recognize what is happening 2) be in a place they can fix it. You can’t make that decision for them. It sucks for everyone involved. Because the other person doesn’t want to react like that (I would assume). In most cases they don’t want to hurt you, but that thing inside of them has been triggered. 

I started to experience this recently with a friend and took it to my therapist. She said, “Do you think it’s that if they get close and actually invest in you, they might hold you accountable? If it is worth it to you, can you sit through the discomfort?” And I did. Thank God I did, because I need people to actually check in and be invested in me and it has opened the door for more healthy friendships.

So, that’s some of my experience behind the scenes, but I’ve also seen it play out in my romantic life. If I am honest I’ve both triggered avoidance in others and seen it in myself, but today let’s just scratch the surface of my experience with it. 

I first learned about attachment theory back in college. I was examining what growing up in a house with dysfunction had done to me. I was in group therapy specifically for that. We were going through the book Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet G. Woitiz (I didn’t have alcoholic parents, but patterns of dysfunction are extremely similar to alcoholism). I think I also stumbled upon a few videos by The School of Life on Youtube. 

I remember seeing exactly what was playing out between my ex-boyfriend and I. I would cling and try to prove my love to him. We had endless talks because I just knew if I could make it make sense then he’d see he still loved me (much to the chagrin of all involved I did just that, but it wasn’t healthy and still didn’t make a difference in the end). 

But what was more interesting, he’d be distant and cold to me, until I decided I had enough and I started to pull away. Then all of the sudden he’d come back with kind words or wanting to be friends or something. Once I was invested again, he’d pull back and go back to ignoring me. And this is the avoidant attachment in action. It’s almost like, “you can’t leave me, I am going to leave you first.” And it hurts to experience. It hurts to know that that is what is happening and hope beyond all hope that they won’t pull away if you do come back. But he always did, and his counterpart eight years later always did. 

You have to be willing to work on it. You have to be willing to name it. But also, if you are like me and stuck in it, you have to be willing to walk away even if you know they still love you and you love them. Loving each other isn’t going to fix it, only time and intentionality of the person who had that avoidant trigger.